This year, I'm celebrating my lady friends instead of dwelling on stupid, stupid boys. Have we talked about how boys are stupid? Have we talked about that for some reason I signed up for Match.com? They emailed me this insanely good deal on membership and I was vulnerable and remembering how much I liked having a boyfriend that one time. Yeah, so now I'm on Match and am like, no thank you to everyone. Sometimes I talk back to the endless emails I get, and I'm just disappointed. You are not allowed to be perverted with me, not until we've been dating for a while. What happened to being polite and respecful? What happened to being classy? Where have all the cowboys gone?
Where are all the 35 year olds? It's either 27 year olds of 55 year olds. Don't get me wrong, I have a thing for younger guys. Like Boyfriend was 27 and I loved it. Every time we went out, I wanted to explain to everyone that I was 8 years older than him. Hey, world, a younger man dated me! I wish I was into older guys, but I'm just not. I like them young and cute and ultimately wrong for me.
That's my problem. I want to date, but really I don't. Boyfriends are fun, but they are all kinds of complications. My life is so busy and full of stuff that I can't cram another thing into it. Unless that thing is a successful, tall, blue eyed, blond haired lumberjack.
And can we take a minute, on this February 16th, to talk about the fact that my ex-husband secretly married his mistress in January? Oh, yes, my friends. They didn't want anyone to know. She said she was trying to right the wrong of having an affair with him and breaking up my family. (Yes, I talked to the Queen of Crazy Bananas. I couldn't help myself. When my ex is a lying, liar who lies, I have to get information from somewhere. And I normally stay the heck out of the drama. I'd rather not know. But sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. And looked at what I learned from Queen Banana). Can we also talk about the best part? She is trying to get it annulled only a month after the marriage. I can't even tell you how gloriously happy this makes me.
So why am I ranting and raving about Valentine's Day? Because I can. I had a wonderful Galentine's Day with my favorite ladies. I don't need no man. That's the point of all this. I'm getting out of the dating world again. But if you have a blond lumberjack in your reach, send him my way. You owe me that much.
If I had a boyfriend, my tiny bit of free time would be eaten up with him, and I just can't even. I have about twenty minutes a day to myself and I would like to spend it writing. Remember when I wrote books? I'm getting back to that. And I am happy being alone. I don't need a man to buy me wilting roses from Walmart or a man to make me feel special. I know I am the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, and the catch of the county. I'm going to spend my time going to the gym, eating salads, and getting so hot that news of my hotness will reach Hollywood and my baby Zac will fly down here and whisk me away. I'll also be eating pizza and cake and watching Netflix, because let's remember who my true loves are.
