It's August 23rd, a day that would be my thirteenth wedding anniversary. I remember how beautiful the temple was, how white and pure and peaceful. The flowers were purple and pink, the morning sun bright orange and beautiful. How could anything bad take place here?
I was early for my wedding, and he was late. There was a ten minute window where I thought that he changed his mind. And I wasn't sad. I was relieved. Something inside me said, Run! I chalked it up to nerves, cold feet, or fear of change. But it was my gut speaking to me. My gut never lies, and whenever I ignore it, it's to my own devastation.
So I spent nearly a decade, slowing killing the girl I was, pushing her out of my heart, trying to be the girl he wanted. I could never be enough, and I couldn't be me. I was quiet and lost and turned inside out. But I found my voice, I found my way home, and I turned right side out again. And it all hurt like hell. I am stronger in the places that were broken. My heart is lined with steel and there is a fire in my belly. I laugh until I cry now. My smile reaches my eyes. My boys get to see me. The messy, honest, funny, and kind woman I always was. They will learn from me to be brave, to keep going when it hurts, to work hard, and to never give up because they are worth it. I am worth it.
Call it your Spirit, God, or your gut, but listen to that little voice inside. The voice is watching out for you. It wants to spare you grief. My gut almost got me out of an abusive marriage, but it got me my boys. I would marry three more sociopaths. I would live in a poisonous snake den. I would give up birthday cake for the rest of my life if it meant I got to have Seth and Ben. But then again, my gut helped me find a way out. It told me to run, and this time I listened.
Sometimes I do get sad, but not because I mourn the marriage. I mourn the fact that I have never been loved the way I deserve. But I won't worry about that for now. Instead, I will rejoice in my singlehood. I will not shave my legs, leave the dishes in the sink, and watch every teen drama that the CW produces. I will do all of this without scorn or ridicule. I will be unapologetically me.
Today my gut is telling me that my life is just beginning. I have a wonderful career, a happy home for my children, a determination to get everything I want, and a heart lined with steel and a bellyful of fire. My literal gut may be covered in stretch marks, but I won't hold that against it. I will listen to it.
