The only other time I was vulnerable, I was ripped to shreds, and the worst of it is that I didn't really ever love my ex-husband. He loved me and pursued me, and I went along with it because he was the kind of man my church told me I should marry and I was, according to church, of the marrying age. It didn't matter who I married, as long as they were Mormon, and I felt so much pressure to do the "right thing". (I have a rant on this, but that's another blog topic.) I was sucked into an abusive downward spiral that I didn't know how to get out of it. I was vulnerable and it almost ruined me. I lost control of my life. I gave him everything, but it was never good enough. So, once I got free of him, I toughened myself back up. I made sure my heart was locked tight beneath my chest, and I refused to love anyone and it sucked.
At least until recently. The right man doesn't make me feel powerless. He makes me feel accepted and loved and invincible. He has shown me that love makes me stronger. My brain is a little worried still, but that's only because to a brain, love doesn't make sense. It's messy and complicated when my brain likes order and compartments. The beauty of love is too intricate and too erratic for my brain to comprehend. Only a soft, sensitive heart can understand it. But that's what love is, giving someone the power to break you, but trusting them not to.
When I got divorced, I made a list of all the things I wanted in a man. The list consisted of things I never thought I could possibly find: someone from my past, divorced with kids, a manly man into sports, a Southerner, tall, hot, lumberjack (he has a lot of flannel and grows a nice beard so he qualifies), funny, cool af, someone who wasn't afraid of my fire, but liked it. I needed a strong man who wasn't intimidated by my bravery, like weak men were. Someone who saw me, really saw me, and loved me for who I was with no judgement. I was told that I was basically looking for a unicorn and unicorns didn't existed. Well, I'm here to tell you that unicorns are real and I am currently dating a very hot, manly one.
Being vulnerable isn't so bad. It's allowed for the most wonderful man to come into my life and change it forever. So if you want to do something but it's scares you, do it anyway. Like Halloween, sometimes the scariest stuff turns out the be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
