I Will be Your Father Figure

I worry about my boys growing up without a father. It seems like every serial killer or deviant had an absent father. They were never taught to be good men, so they turn out bad. I don't want my good boys to go bad. I want them to be real men. I want them to work hard, camp, and fix cars. I want them to be educated, physically strong, and also kind. I want them to respect and value women. I want them to be able to throw a spiral and gut a fish. I do what I can. I take them to sport's practices, I do homework with them, and I let them see just how tough a woman can be. I do what I can, but it'll never be enough. I am for gender equality--I can do anything a man can do--but I can never be a man.

Their own father, who can't even bother to call them more than once a month, surely has no time to teach them how to be a man. He's too busy racking up debt on a credit card in my name. He's too busy trying to win back his most recent ex-wife (his former mistress who he married), still trying to convince me that his absence is my fault. Apparently I need to pay for his trips to see his children. You know, because my income is enough to take care of myself, two growing boys, and a worthless ex who doesn't even have a job. This is the bullshit I deal, a barrage of insanity from him. It's the same shit my boys have to deal with. I have become an expert at ignoring and forgiving idiocy, but I swear he gets worse and worse. He's the engineer of the crazy train.

Is this all we get, this half-man, who doesn't understand responsibilities, or consequences, or even karma? Are there any lumberjacks out there? I think that is why I desire a woodsman so much. I want a man to smell like earth and work. I want a man among men, someone who can teach my boys what it is to struggle and come out triumphant.

I am not sure this man exists, at least for me. Hell, I don't know if I ever want to get re-married or even seriously date again. It's all a big disappointment when the world is filled with little boys instead of men. I have been so burned by it all. I rushed into marriage, (I admit that was MY mistake.) not really knowing who I was marrying. I wanted to believe he would get better, mature, and become the man he claimed to be. I thought I could love him into it. But love can't force someone to change. I have learned that people are who they are. They rarely change. They only reveal who they were the whole time. And would I want someone who changed for me? No. I wouldn't want to be the reason someone bent and contorted themselves into something they are not.

So how can I make sure that my boys have a man in their lives when I don't want to remarry? What I wouldn't give for a good ole guy friend. Someone for me to hang out with and someone for the boys to be manly with. I wholeheartedly believe that men and women can be friends, but I have found it impossible to find a guy who agrees. If I talk to a guy, they seem to think that I'm not just being friendly, but I actually want their man parts in my lady parts. I want nothing to do with your man parts, just your friendship.

The boys are lucky. They have my nephew Cameron. This boy is a boy scout, an honor roll student, and an A+ babysitter. He plays football with them, tells them all about politics, and teaches them how to start a fire. I am also grateful for my friend's husbands, who worry about them and takes them on manly outings. It's sad, but also wonderful, that my friends' husbands worry more about my children than their own father.

But will it be enough? Will they be okay without a father? I think they will be, but I still worry so much. I just want them to be whole people, who are good, law-abiding, working citizens. Is one parent enough to do this? No, but I have a village helping me out.