A Free Bird and Feeling Fries from the Other Side

I know you all are waiting with baited breath to know what happened, so sit back, grab a bowl of popcorn, and listen up. I feel like since I put it all on Facebook, you have every right to know the truth. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe this entry will provide entertainment, or maybe it will just help me work through it. No matter what, I'm always ready to over-share with you.

I have always been a free bird and like it that way. I'm an incredible person. I have a body that won't quit and breasts that men only dream exist. I'm beautiful inside and out. I'm funny, kind, thoughtful, and smart. I've been through a lot and always come out on the other side in good humor. I have never needed a man to be a complete person. Sure I like a companion, and this is. . . because I really, really enjoy (Keep it clean, Lauren) . . . giving and receiving back rubs. I want to be mad at myself or sad that it's over, but I'm not. I did the breaking up. I have always preferred to be single. No one is better company than me, myself, and I. I have a full, happy life. I have an abundance of friends, a beautiful family surrounding me, and two incredible children that I am extremely proud of. I have a career I love and a school that is a family for me and my children.

So what happened? I thought you were in lllooovvveee. I was. He treated me and my kids well. We had fun together, but there was always something holding me back a little. I kept one foot on the floor.  I've written about my trusty gut before. She never lets me down. Sometimes I ignore her, but she is annoyingly always right. When I was staying with him during Christmas Break, I felt a shift in the tectonic plates of the relationship. Things weren't adding up, red flags, they were flying, smacking me right in the face. I'll keep the details to myself, but something happened, and in an instant, my feelings changed. I was woke and couldn't go back to sleep. That surprised me. How can I turn it off so quickly? Am I a robot? Am I bitter? Nope. I am smart.

So this weekend, I will eat a lot of what I call Feeling French Fries, drink a few bottles of wine, and sing loudly along with Beyonce's Lemonade. Middle fingers up, hands high. Point 'em in his face. Tell him boy, bye! I honestly feel bad for him because he lost the best thing he's ever had. But I don't feel bad for myself. I dodge the proverbial bullet. I made it out alive. I always will. I ain't sorry.

The night my heart checked out of it, I had a dream, a very vivid dream that I couldn't deny. I saw what was going to happen if I stayed. He isn't the man for me. I felt it. I saw the someone else. I also had dreams like this before I discovered my ex-husband's infidelities. My gut was talking to me while I slept. I believe in dreams. But I did stick around for a little while longer. Just to make sure, to give my gut some time to really kick me in the butt. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be okay, but my guts were tied in knots and wouldn't let me rest. Please always listen to your gut. Do it for me. Do it for yourself.

How did you get yourself into this? Haven't you been through this before? I have this habit, good or bad, of seeing the goodness in people, of letting it shine through the flaws. I believe everyone to be good and honest at heart. Sometimes I worry that the way I love people will get me into trouble. I am too loving, too forgiving, and too nonjudgemental. If my best friend killed someone, I would be the person she called to help feed the body to the gators. If I love you, I LOVE you. I will be there with you through anything, even murder. Lol. Is love my fatal flaw? Nah. It has opened my life to the world and the world has shown me love in return. But that does not mean I need to accept being mistreated or lied to. I know the difference between acceptance and taking it. The unicorn turned out to be just a regular old horse with a plastic horn taped to his head. That's the beauty of dating. You can take your time and get to know someone. You have time for the tape holding everything to come loose. The exit door is right there, your running shoes are on your feet, and all you have to do is speak up and say that's enough. BYE!