The Bitter Pill

A bitter heart eats its owner. I feel like the bitterness is about to gobble me up whole. There will be nothing left but the anger and darkness. I've stayed positive for so long, but I'm tired. I'm afraid that soon I won't be able move because bitterness sits on my chest like an anvil. Joy is as slippery as a cuttlefish, almost impossible to catch. I used to be a ray of freaking sunshine. Glasses were half-full, rain clouds meant rainbows, and I had the audacity to hope. But over the last few years, I have learned that life is hard, and sometimes shit just happens. All the doors and windows are locked up tight and I'm suffocating without fresh air. Clouds are full of rain and storms. God is often silent, even when you cry His name.

I'm trying to find happiness in everyday, but I'm honestly just too worn down. And I get so, so angry that I have to do this all alone. Believe me, I'm happily divorced, and my family is great, but I'm irate that my boys' dad doesn't do anything for them. Not even a phone call on their birthdays. He's faded out of their lives, leaving me to pick up the slack, to be a mother and a father, when some days I don't even have what it takes to be a decent mom. I yell, I leave dishes undone, I feed them fast food, and sometimes I'm so busy that I have to ask myself if I even hugged my children today.

So I feel sorry for myself. It's not fair. Life wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I was supposed to be given a reward for all the bullshit I was dealt. I was supposed to fertilize and grow a garden from all the literal crap life has thrown at me. When do I get a break or something good? I know a lot of people have it worse. Believe me, I know. This is my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

And don't get me started on the garbage can men out there. I try to stay far, far away from them, but somehow one always slithers in. I'm dumb enough to think that maybe this time it will be different. But it's never different. It's always the same POS man dressed in a different skin suit. I'm so done. I'm about to be eaten alive by my own warranted bitterness. Is happiness somewhere hidden in the heartache? How do I find light again? Or is life just hopelessness and getting to the end of the day?

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

You remember that Paula Cole song from 1996, right? "Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie song? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone?"  I feel ya, Paula. Cowboys (or lumberjacks, if you prefer) Cowboys are real men. There's something so attractive about a man who takes care of business, pays his bills, and loves his children, but lately, I've been wondering just where the fresh hell all the cowboys are. I'm still happy I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm not sad it's over. I'm relieved. But I am disappointed. In him, in my last boyfriend(s), in my ex-husband, and in men in general. I know there are good men out there, but are they either married or trapped in a black hole. 

Or am I just a sucker who keeps falling for the same selfish man-child in a different body? What really gets to me is that fact that I fell for it. I ate up the sugarcoated crap he fed me. I fell for it again. Again! I thought I was evolved. I thought I had figured out what I did and didn't want in a man. Maybe I'm doomed to repeat patterns. I go back to what I know, be it good or bad. A vicious cycle. Round and round I go. The only way to stop it, is to get out of the ever turning ring of fire. And I am out. 

I just have a hard time figuring out why these boys won't be men. The men I keep dating want to be better men, and that's the part that gets to me. The potential. But potential doesn't mean anything when there is no action behind it. These men are stuck, floundering around in mediocrity. I will never be happy with someone who is satisfied at the bottom when I will never accept less than the top. I'm all burned out on relationships, like for forever. I honestly aspire to be a cat lady. Within the next year, I'll be able to buy a house again. I will fill it with my boisterous boys and all the cats I can handle. I will be the Alpha cat and I will be happily alone. Does anyone want to buy a compound with me and live independently? Maybe start an Amazonian society, where we only bring men in to fix the plumbing and kill snakes?

I am happy alone, but yet, I keep waiting for my happy ending, even though I know there is none. I've read too many books, where it all comes together in the end. Those plot devises work, the climax has merit, and every bad thing lead to something great. The cowboy comes home and saves the day. But we do not live in a fairytale. We wake up early, make coffee, go to work, raise our children, and pay our bills. There are times when the sunset is the beauty we've been looking for, when the rain clouds produce rainbows. Then there are times when life is meaningless or it hurts to breathe. But we keep on going, with or without our cowboys, because we are survivalists. I don't expect a brain surgeon or a millionaire, just live up to your full potential. Strive to be better every day. Be the best you. Never settle, with life or love or happiness. Demand the best. You are worth more than you know. You deserve it. Be your own cowboy(girl) cause no one is riding in on a trusty stead at sunset to save the day.