The Bitter Pill

A bitter heart eats its owner. I feel like the bitterness is about to gobble me up whole. There will be nothing left but the anger and darkness. I've stayed positive for so long, but I'm tired. I'm afraid that soon I won't be able move because bitterness sits on my chest like an anvil. Joy is as slippery as a cuttlefish, almost impossible to catch. I used to be a ray of freaking sunshine. Glasses were half-full, rain clouds meant rainbows, and I had the audacity to hope. But over the last few years, I have learned that life is hard, and sometimes shit just happens. All the doors and windows are locked up tight and I'm suffocating without fresh air. Clouds are full of rain and storms. God is often silent, even when you cry His name.

I'm trying to find happiness in everyday, but I'm honestly just too worn down. And I get so, so angry that I have to do this all alone. Believe me, I'm happily divorced, and my family is great, but I'm irate that my boys' dad doesn't do anything for them. Not even a phone call on their birthdays. He's faded out of their lives, leaving me to pick up the slack, to be a mother and a father, when some days I don't even have what it takes to be a decent mom. I yell, I leave dishes undone, I feed them fast food, and sometimes I'm so busy that I have to ask myself if I even hugged my children today.

So I feel sorry for myself. It's not fair. Life wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I was supposed to be given a reward for all the bullshit I was dealt. I was supposed to fertilize and grow a garden from all the literal crap life has thrown at me. When do I get a break or something good? I know a lot of people have it worse. Believe me, I know. This is my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

And don't get me started on the garbage can men out there. I try to stay far, far away from them, but somehow one always slithers in. I'm dumb enough to think that maybe this time it will be different. But it's never different. It's always the same POS man dressed in a different skin suit. I'm so done. I'm about to be eaten alive by my own warranted bitterness. Is happiness somewhere hidden in the heartache? How do I find light again? Or is life just hopelessness and getting to the end of the day?