There are nights my dreams wake me past midnight.
I sit up with a start, heart beating in my chest.
And I still feel him, pressing me down,
Even though he is a thousand miles away.
The sharpness of his tongue still cuts into my soul.
When will he go? How many times do I have to bury him?
Bruises heal, but those words stay forever, stuck in my side
Piercing my lungs.
The soles of my bare feet fall against the earth
As I try to outrun him. But there is no exit clause.
The monster is all I can see.
Then a hand reaches out in the darkness.
He doesn't use words, doesn't have to
Because in his silence, with his eyes on mine,
Everything is understood. Everything is bright and pink and love.
And the monster goes away.
Monsters aren't what goes bump in the night. They aren't hiding beneath your bed, in your closet, or down in the deep, dark basement. They come dressed as people, pretending to love you, only to gut you with a few well placed words. For a decade, I lived with a monster, tried to love him, tried to make madness a home. I was trapped inside the Twilight Zone, lost in a nightmare and it took a slap to the face to rouse me, to bring me back to life. But there are still days I live with the ghost of myself and a monster of a man. Most of the time I can fight him off, drown out his voice, but then there are days that I find myself back in the hellish dreamscape, down a darkened hallway with no window or doors, no way out. All I can do is curl up in a corner, eyes turned away from the monster, let the fear wash over me, let him say his piece and pray he's scared off by sunrise.And the monster goes away.
When you survive a trauma, especially one involving a war of words, you question everything. You live in constant fear. Your world is built on ever-shifting tectonic plates. At any moment, everything can collapse, and without warning, you're plunging into the black abyss. So when you rebuild on a stable mountain, you still have vertigo. You're phantom falling. You're still scared as hell.
How do you destroy a monster without becoming one? That's the hardest part for me. The part I'm still learning, even after four years. That's the thing with monsters, they never go away, not really. He still uses words against me. They come via texts messages, attacks on every part of me, and then the next is him telling me he still loves me. We owe it to our kids to be together. But then I'm a piece of shit mother and it's my fault he doesn't call or see his children. I try not to read the messages, but there they are in black in white, still tormenting me when he's three thousand miles away. Every time that monster sneaks in, I have to fight him back, and every time I do, a little piece of me blackens, turns to dust. It's never over, not completely. So I fight the monster everyday. Most days I win, but sometimes I don't. And that's okay.
Just breathe. It's my mantra. You wouldn't think I needed to be reminded of the simple act of breathing, but I do. Just breathe, Lauren. Live in the moment. Actually, enjoy the moment. And I guess that's how I survive. Keep going, keep living. Continue to love, despite that fact that it's terrifying. I'm learning that actions truly do speak louder than words because that's what really matters. The action, not the words. So thank you for loving me when a war still rages inside me. When the light in my eyes snuffs out. When I bristle and rage for no reason. Thank you for reminding me to breathe. Thank you for making love a little less scary.
Because you loved me at my worst, I will always love you best.
Hi!
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(Gabriel Alexander)