In general, Spike really knew what he was talking about. He was a wise, old, psychopathic vampire. He had been alive long enough to know the truth of our existence. I'm sorry all my posts are so depressing, but this is where I am. I feel like a burden and a never ending sad story. I used to be a glass-half-full kind of girl. I was so optimistic that I'd find the silver lining if my house burned down. Now it seems like my cup has a hole in the bottom, because every time I pour in some Diet Coke, it's gone within seconds.
When you're young, life is an endless possibility. You are a superhero, a doctor, or a mermaid. But when you're an adult, you realize you can't fly, you're horrible at science, and you can't grow gills. I used to think if I kept on believing and hoping that things would get better. I thought I'd be happy forever and get everything I ever wanted. Now I've learned that nothing is guaranteed, things don't get better, just different, and happiness comes and goes. Life continues on, a relentless pumping of your heart, even though it's broken. You go to work, take care of your children, and pay your bills. Then at night, when everyone else is asleep, you're alone, watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer until your Tylenol PM kicks in and gives you a few hours of restless sleep.
These days, it feels like reality is a barren wasteland, where my broken dreams are buried deep, suffocated by the arid soil. I never thought that hardest thing would be to just live in the world. But that's what bravery is, getting on with your life, even though you're terrified. I'm trying to fill in the darkness with light, but it feels like I'm a black hole of hopelessness. I'll keep looking heavenwards because it's the only thing I know to do. It'll get better one day. It has to. And I guess that's my hope. It's still there, buried along with my dreams, but it's fighting its way to the surface. I haven't given up yet. I'm still going, still trying. They say your trials make you or break you. I'm trying not to break.
Give yourself some credit because you are anything but a sad story. You’re one of the most amazing people I know. It’s perfectly normal to have periods where you feel like this, but it doesn’t change the fact that you get up every day and move forward. Don’t dismiss smaller accomplishments just because you aren’t where you ultimately want to be. You’ve rocked at everything you’ve set your mind to since you’ve gotten here. And since we both like nineties Sandra Bullock movies, don’t forget that quote about giving hope a chance to float up. :) I love you my marshmallow!
ReplyDeleteYou've been such a big help. Having you and Mel makes everything so much better. Cousin Coven Forever!
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