The Darkest Night and Shortest Day

Happy Winter Solstice!

People often find it strange that I am a Christian, and also follow a few Pagan holidays. I don't think it's odd at all. So much of Christianity is based on Pagan traditions. The New Year is just another word for Winter Solstice. And we all know that I am secretly a witch.

The shortest day and darkest night is also the day I found out about my ex-husband's affair and the night he asked for a divorce. The light faded and it truly was the longest night of my life. He slept the sleep of the guiltless, while I stayed up, sobbing and packing, cursing a woman who claimed to be my friend. I spent that night alone, more alone than I'd ever been. I was abandoned by everything, even the light. When the sun rose, I called my daddy and told him to come get me. Then I called my best friends Tiffany and Erin. They took care of me that day when I could not move from the weight of grief. They made me smile and remember my worth. They helped me see the light of the new day.

And now, I have made it through the longest, darkest year of my life. I have made it back into the light. Tonight I celebrate the year when I freed myself from an oppressive man, the year I found my voice again, the year I came back to myself.

A Year in the Review: What I Did With My Box full of Darkness.

I don't even know where to begin this, but it's been a year, and I feel like I need to put it into words.

The nightmare has lasted for two years. Every morning, I wake up and pretend it's not real. Push down the gut feelings and the sixth sense. The Lord wouldn't let that happen. I'm a good girl and good girls always get their reward.

Where are you? Are you working late again?
I told Lauren I had to run to the store, so we can met up.
Who was that text meant for? Who's Julia?

I don't love you. I never did. You had to have known that all this time I was only pretending. I need you out of the house. We need to start our new life.

Daddy, can you come get me and the boys? Can you hurry?
I'll be right there, baby girl. I love you.

Should I pack this?
It won't fit. Leave it behind. Leave everything.

Stay. Please, stay. Don't take them from me.
They were never yours, but mine. I have loved them. I have bathed them, fed them, held them. You were too busy falling in love with someone else. I was never yours either. I got lost as I twisted myself inside out for you. I will never be what you wanted. You see, I never loved you either, even though I tried to pretend. To force it.

The darkness has become as thick as tar, covering everything, stealing the breath I need to survive. My lungs are burning, tightening, wanting to give up. But the night faded into day, and the girl I used to be whispered that it was time to wake up.

I'm sorry I can't buy that color blouse. I'm not allowed. He wouldn't like it.
Wait. I didn't mean that. I'm buying every fucking navy colored piece of clothing in the store.

Do you remember when we used to swim here when we were little?
I remember how you used to sing when you were happy.
I am happy. Almost. I'm close.

Mama, why doesn't daddy call us? Does he not love us anymore. Where is he?

Ms. Marchand, please don't make us do summer reading. I don't want to write this essay.
Coach Lauren, is this how you do a toe touch?

We should go out tonight. We should have fun.

You're the greatest mom in the world. I love you.

I sing all the time now. I can't shut up.

Sometimes I take out the box of darkness and peak inside. It's all but empty now. I should throw it away. I should bury it deep in the woods. But I keep it because I want to remember--where I came from, where I've been, the sad girl I turned in to. I want to remember the darkness, because for the first time, I'm exactly where I want to be, surrounded by people who love me, living the life I never thought I wanted, but the life I needed.

And I love myself now, too. I went through hell, but I found her. I found Lauren.

I never thought I could be grateful for my box full of darkness, but I am. Light has penetrated my life again. The sun is soaking into my skin. I know who I am now and that I am made up of pretty strong stuff. I am a badass. I am better than I was before, more myself.

I am happy. So ridiculously happy. And I can't stop singing.

So Tell Me Want You Want, What You Really, Really What.

All I want to do is a zigazig Ha. And I am.

I have recently come into the habit of taking exactly what I want when I want. I no longer waste time wondering if I’m worth it or I deserve it. I have decided that I am as beautiful as the sunrise, as smart as a trickster, and funny as hell. I spent the last ten years of my life, being told I wasn't good enough. Loving myself is a triumph. I'm proud of who I've become and proud I made it through hell.

I will get the wonderful things life has to offer me. I will no longer wait for the wonderful to come. I have stopped being scared of the unknown. When there is nothing more to lose, everything can be gained. I lost a lot. Then I lost some more. And a little more.

For the first time, I am free. I am not bound by expectations or rules. I am me whether you like it or not. I am faithful, yet unfeeling. I am obsessed, yet relaxed. I need you, but need no one. I am kind but tough. I am passionate but platonic. I am only predicable in my unpredictability. I am a paradox. I am a complication. And I am everything you've ever wanted to be.

I am dancing in the sunshine, breathing in the coming air. Reveling in the gifts of life. The pain has turned me into something greater. Now the happiness has come into my heart, overtaking me.

If you want it, ask for it. Take it. It's yours because you deserve it. Don't stand around, waiting for someone to offer you what you want. It's yours, honey. You deserve it. No one can stop you but yourself. So when that little voice inside your head tells you that you cannot, tell it to go to hell. Live your life. Be thankful. Be humble, but take what is yours. Be happy. Be you.

 

Home is Where You Keep All Your Crap

I used to have really nice things. I had a two-story house in a beautiful community. Hiking trails lead to a brand new park. I had high-end furniture, art, a 52 inch TV, and matching dishes. I had beautiful things, but I couldn't bring with me when I left. Honestly, I didn't want them. All we could fit into the trailer was the boys' bedroom furniture. And I feel like I have to explain this every time someone new comes into our apartment, with its thrift store kitchen table, tiny TV, an secondhand furniture.

I am not proud of my crappy apartment, but I should be. I love the freedom I have in it. No one can tell me what shows I can watch on my small, cheap TV. No one can tell me that I'm not allowed to drink Coke right out of the bottle. No one can tell me that I can't buy a brown couch if I want to.

Freedom is better than the nice things. Being alone is better than being controlled. Being happy for the first time in years outweighs anything.

I saw my uncle at church today. He asked me how my life is and I smiled. Then I read this scripture in Sunday School. "Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh." Luke 6:21.  I feel like I'm finally laughing. The petty things that used to matter don't anymore. Sure I don't have everything I want. I don't have my dream job yet, but I love the one I do have. I don't have a luxurious dominical, but I have a good one. I don't have that book on the shelves yet, but it'll happen, and this time I'll get a better agent. 2014 is almost over. I just have to get through December, and I'll be laughing to myself all 2015.

But not like a crazy person.