For those of you who haven't lived in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, it's a mind-f*ck. You go from being the most important thing in their lives to nothing. Less than nothing. They will take, and take, and take, and when everything is gone, they will come back for your soul. They are so perfect at manipulating that you can't tell the difference between your own thoughts and the ideas strategically wedged into your spongy frontal lobe. They spoon feed you sugar that turns to acid in your stomach. Narcissists are toxic, and sometimes I feel like I'm Chernobyl, seething in an abandoned, tonic wasteland.
I've been told that I'm so happy that I'm glowing. I'm more myself than I ever have been. I'm still high-fiving Jesus, but over the last week, I've been bullied, berated, and belittled by my ex. Text after, text after, after text of him trying to intimidate me into dropping this child support claim against him. I refuse to "make a deal" in order for him to be a decent human being and help support his children. I am so done with being told what to do and how to feel by him. And by others. But when you stand up to a narcissists, they will attack the things you hold the dearest. You know that they are crazy, but their words still cut you to the quick. Past the quick. I ruined his life. I broke up the family. I am a horrible mother who is damaging her kids by doing this alone. I should feel guilty for being the one who isn't a decent human being. To him, he did nothing wrong. He didn't lie. He didn't financially deplete me (Ask me about when my car got repossessed because he stopped making payments and how he had a credit card in my name that he used to wine and dine his mistress/new ex-wife). He didn't cheat. (Opps! I guess that they accidentally had sex?) I left him because he was mean. I left to save myself and my kids. I left because I finally had had enough. He ruined his own life. He is the one who asked for a divorce, but he twisted me up so much that I still have trouble telling the truth from the lies. This is all my fault.
But it's not. The abuse didn't end when I left him. He will never stop trying to control me or hurt me. The difference now is that I won't allow it. I stand up for myself. It's still straining and consuming, but the effect isn't as great.
I'm sorry that I write about this so much, but it's something I deal with everyday. Every day. I questions myself. I remember the abuse. I relive the hollowness that comes after betrayal. I wonder if anyone will ever love me again. And why the hell do I care? Why do I want that again? The thing that nearly killed me is the thing I want most. So while I'm #winning, I'm also #kindofnotwinning. I am happy, but I'm also torn up on the inside. There's still this little voice inside me that won't be quieted. Maybe it will always there. I have to keep reminding myself that I am enough. Not only did I survive the nuclear meltdown, I flourished. While the Geiger meter will always show signs of radiation, flowers are growing again on the grounds of Chernobyl. One day it might even be viable again. Even I can stand in the rubble and be grateful for the fresh air weaving its way back through my lungs.
Have the stars alined? Has Lord Jesus finally answered all my prayers. Has Karma suddenly turned into the bitch she always claimed to be?
Y'all, life has been up and down over the last two years, often sideways, but never quite right. Then, this last weekend, it righted itself, and I'm so gloriously happy. Remember not that long ago when I was hating on my body, how I felt like nothing, how I was letting myself be sucked back into the self-loathing created by an abuser? Something within me snapped, and instead of losing my shit, I got my shit together.
My ex hasn't paid child support in a year, and refuses to get a job (because he knows that if he does, he will have to pay), so I filed a child support claim against him. That was months ago, and I warned him it would happen, but he didn't believe me. He said that he was too depressed to work. The son of a bitch hasn't had a job in over two years. Guess what, I get sad, too, but I get up every morning and I go to work. Because I'm an adult. I also had never worked outside the home when I left him. I didn't know what I could do for income. I didn't know how to even get a job anymore. But I figured it out. I have an amazing career now, not because I sat around and felt sorry for myself, but because I went out and earned my job that pays for private school, bills, food and clothing. I have a savings account. I have a car. I have an apartment. Because I'm an adult.
Now he's blowing up my phone, begging me to drop the child support case because he's about to lose his license and go to jail. All he has to do is starting giving his children money to help better their lives. But it's not about him. It's about me being an awful person because I believe he should help support his children. He doesn't see them or talk to them (all his choice), so the least he could do is help pay their tuition or for Seth's medications. No. He's trying to belittle and guilt me into letting him off the hook for abandoning his children both emotionally and financially. He once had me so conditioned that I did whatever he said without question. This is still my initial reaction to him, to do whatever he says. He stole my voice from me. He wore me down to nothing, but I have rebuilt myself, and I'll be damned before I let him or anyone tear me down again. He can't control me anymore and it's the most beautiful thing.
And let's get back to the topic of self-love. I am fantastic, beautiful, and smart. A badass bitch who always gets the job done. I also have a pretty amazing body, and recently have been reminded of this. It's refreshing and liberating to have someone else tell you that you are in fact a woman and sexy as hell. Message me for more details. That's all I can say on that matter without making you all blush. There are also other, more personal things that have put a spring in my step, but that's my lovely little secret.
So thank you, Karma, or God, or the stars. It took you long enough, but thank you. I have been fighting and fighting and fighting and I'm suddenly winning.
