The Toxic Avenger: Surviving a Narcissist

For those of you who haven't lived in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, it's a mind-f*ck. You go from being the most important thing in their lives to nothing. Less than nothing. They will take, and take, and take, and when everything is gone, they will come back for your soul. They are so perfect at manipulating that you can't tell the difference between your own thoughts and the ideas strategically wedged into your spongy frontal lobe. They spoon feed you sugar that turns to acid in your stomach. Narcissists are toxic, and sometimes I feel like I'm Chernobyl, seething in an abandoned, tonic wasteland. 

I've been told that I'm so happy that I'm glowing. I'm more myself than I ever have been. I'm still high-fiving Jesus, but over the last week, I've been bullied, berated, and belittled by my ex. Text after, text after, after text of him trying to intimidate me into dropping this child support claim against him. I refuse to "make a deal" in order for him to be a decent human being and help support his children. I am so done with being told what to do and how to feel by him. And by others. But when you stand up to a narcissists, they will attack the things you hold the dearest. You know that they are crazy, but their words still cut you to the quick. Past the quick. I ruined his life. I broke up the family. I am a horrible mother who is damaging her kids by doing this alone. I should feel guilty for being the one who isn't a decent human being. To him, he did nothing wrong. He didn't lie. He didn't financially deplete me (Ask me about when my car got repossessed because he stopped making payments and how he had a credit card in my name that he used to wine and dine his mistress/new ex-wife). He didn't cheat. (Opps! I guess that they accidentally had sex?) I left him because he was mean. I left to save myself and my kids. I left because I finally had had enough. He ruined his own life. He is the one who asked for a divorce, but he twisted me up so much that I still have trouble telling the truth from the lies. This is all my fault.

But it's not. The abuse didn't end when I left him. He will never stop trying to control me or hurt me. The difference now is that I won't allow it. I stand up for myself. It's still straining and consuming, but the effect isn't as great. 

I'm sorry that I write about this so much, but it's something I deal with everyday. Every day. I questions myself. I remember the abuse. I relive the hollowness that comes after betrayal. I wonder if anyone will ever love me again. And why the hell do I care? Why do I want that again? The thing that nearly killed me is the thing I want most. So while I'm #winning, I'm also #kindofnotwinning. I am happy, but I'm also torn up on the inside. There's still this little voice inside me that won't be quieted. Maybe it will always there. I have to keep reminding myself that I am enough. Not only did I survive the nuclear meltdown, I flourished. While the Geiger meter will always show signs of radiation, flowers are growing again on the grounds of Chernobyl. One day it might even be viable again. Even I can stand in the rubble and be grateful for the fresh air weaving its way back through my lungs.