Weightless Words

 

Words. I live and breathe them. Written words have always been my salvation, a way to express myself, a way to escape into a world I created and controlled. I love to write them and build them and feel them, but I have come to understand that words mean nothing without action.

My ex-husband drew me in with words, flowery prose that flattered me and hid the darkness inside him. He spoke so many promises when we first got together, and I was naïve enough to believe him.This is a flaw I have, always looking for the good and being blind to the red flags. I thought that if I loved him enough, he would come through. That his words would mean something. But they never did. I never did either. When I found out about the affair and said that I would no longer stay in this abusive marriage, he took back the only words that ever mattered to me. He said that all those times he said I love you, he'd lied. He'd never loved me, not since the beginning. The word love was shattered, broken up into tiny shards that left me bloody. The glass is still embedded underneath my skin. It will always hurt. 

Words can be like bricks, piled high on your chest, weighing you down, breaking your ribs, puncturing your lungs, suffocating you.  Or words can be like desert rain, falling onto scorching asphalt, an empty promise dried up before it can relieve the drought. Pointless. Useless. Futile. So here I sit, still dealing with words that don't mean much, trying to figure out if it's worth it, what I'm worth. The answer is that I'm worth a whole hell of a lot, but that's harder for me to grasp, to put into action myself. Don't placate me with flaccid phrases.

So if you don't mean it, don't say it. I deserve better. Things I've also learned this past month are that people don't change, no matter what they say. People don't change. They pretend to. They smile and feed you shit sandwiches that you didn’t ask for, telling you it's cake. They shovel it right into your mouth, but you don't have to swallow it. Don't believe them until you see it. And don't give out second chances so easily because those second chances just give them another opportunity to hurt you again. If all you have is idle words, middle fingers up in the air, tell him, boy, bye! *Beyonce singing in the distance "I Ain't Sorry".*