Semicolon

 A semicolon is used in writing when the author could end the sentence with an abrupt period but chose to keep going. So why did I get a semicolon tattoo? Because the pause and continuation of my story means a lot to me. There have been many dark times in my life that I wanted to suddenly end everything but for one reason or another found the strength to go on. Living has been so much harder than I ever thought imaginable. Life truly is a bitch. Sure there are bright spots, but on the whole, it's kind of bullshit and sucks. Maybe that's on me and I need to find a balance and a happiness. But this gloom and doom is a part of me. Sometimes my demons roar louder than anything else.

Semicolon tattoos are to bring awareness to suicide and mental illnesses, to remind those of us who suffer that there is hope, but I sometimes I feel like hope is a dangerous thing. There are a lot of times that I feel hopeless. Most people do not understand suicide. People who try to kill themselves often do not want to die. I've never really wanted to die, but I did want the pain to stop. When I am at my lowest, I am in such an altered state that I cannot think clearly. I cannot move nor speak. Everything is too heavy, my words, my body, my mind. I am stone. I have experienced this too many times in my life to count. Depression runs in my DNA like a cancer. The light that I radiate to the world is all too often swallowed up in the black hole of my own self-hatred. I know it's madness. I know I go to a dark place, but I can't get myself out of it sometimes. The madness seems to be a never-ending cycle from which I can't escape. I so badly want to feel the love that I give to the world, but sometimes I don't. I think that's what gets me down the most. Sometimes the ones you love the most do not love you back, or at least not in the way you need to be loved. 

Self-harm is another thing that is hard to explain to people. Why would you inflict pain on yourself? Why cut through your skin? It's to give the overwhelming pain you feel an outlet, a name, something tangible. I have scars on my wrists, other parts of me too, a results of trying to give my pain a name, but also a form of self-punishment. I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough. The list goes on and on of the ways I fall short. I am my own worst enemy. No matter how many people tell me differently, I only think the worst of myself. This is something I am and will continue to work on. It's why I've started taking medication. It's getting better, but not by much.

So check on your friends, even the seemingly happy ones. When the thought pops into your head that you wonder how someone is doing, you have that thought for a reason. We're all fighting battles that most people don't even know about. We all struggle so it's important to remind people that you love them. I tell everyone I love them all the time because I believe that if you love someone, they should know it. It's important to feel loved and valued. My main goal in life is to spread the love I feel for others, the love I often can't find for myself. So if I love you, I hope you know that. If you ever are having a hard time, reach out because I've been there. I know how the depths of darkness feel. If you think I'm in the upsidedown, tell me that you love me because it makes a world of difference to me. And I'm in the upsidedown right now. With my parents falling apart, I'm falling apart with them. I'm doubting everything and everyone. The person I need the most isn't there for me, and I'm worried, so worried that I can't sleep.

Sometimes I think love is a poison, a poison I willing seek after. But in the end, love is the answer. Love is all I've ever wanted. Love is still something I need, everyday. I need to hear those words. Feel the softness of lips against my temple, a brush of fingertips against my skin. I wonder if I will ever get the love I've always wanted or if I am bound to walk this world alone, unloved and unheard. You see, that's the madness talking again. It's like living on toxic ground. Even though it is buried beneath the surface, the threat of radioacitity is always there. Waiting. Waiting to kill me. 

I have this semicolon to remind me that my story must continue.  It's to remind me that cutting myself up, literally and figuratively isn't the answer. Maybe I need to pray more and meditate or take time to learn to love myself again. Whatever I need to do, this little tattoo is a constant reminder that I am worth it and that I need to be kinder to myself. This isn't the end, even when it feels like it. The day will break and life will be good again.