That One Time I Had Boyfriend

Did you know that there is a break-up station on Pandora? Did you know that if you eat a cake by yourself while also drinking Coke that you might barf? Did you know that you over-analyze everything at 3 in the morning? Did you know that no matter how hard you stare at your cell phone that you can't will a text message into existence? Did you know that breaking up is hard to do?

I've been trying to figure out how and when to write about this, but I've decided to put my balls (boobs) to the wall and just go for it. And just as a disclaimer, I'm okay now. I'm over it. Mostly.

Yes, I had a boyfriend. And no, I will not give you details of the who, why, where, or when, but I had one. I know I share the crap out of my life, but I kept him private and all to myself. Well, some of my close friends and family members knew about him or even met him, but I didn't want to talk about him on the blog or even on Facebook because I was afraid I would jinx things. About a month ago, (I guess this gives away the timeline a little) I finally remembered to update my relationship status. It would have been fine, but I accidently allowed the world to see it for a few minutes when I meant to keep it private. I guess I did jinx it because it's over now.

I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't work. We wanted different things out of life, we were too far apart in age, we had opposite views on religion and love and The Family Guy. We were wrong from the beginning, but I am an expert at ignoring the wrongness and hoping it'll work. I am an expert at attracting the wrong guy.

The ending of it sucked, but the beginning and the middle were fantastic. Something stupid romance novels are written about. I was terrified to be in a relationship again, but I'm so glad I did it. He was cute and hilarious. He was a wonderful kisser. He took me to nice places. He made me smile and feel important. He allowed me to have opinions and to swear and be the pervert I am deep down. He simply allowed me to be myself.  

See. You don't need to be afraid that if you date me I'll bash you on my blog. I tell the straight up truth. If you're a cool person, you will be portrayed as such. He was a cool person. He still is. We just weren't right for each other and that's okay.

It wasn't all the serious, but it still hurt because it mattered more to me than I thought. He mattered to me and I mattered to him, and I will miss it. Having someone to talk to late at night, having someone to hold my hand, having someone kiss me goodnight. It might have been wrong and doomed from the start, but the middle made it all worth it.

But because of this ex-boyfriend, I have gotten my groove back. He helped me remember that I am awesome and amazing. He helped me find my confidence again, something that had been stolen by my ex-husband. He made me remember that relationships can be good and fun and two-sided. So thank you, Ex-Boyfriend. You know who you are. Thank you for making my life a little brighter. Thank you for being you and for prepping me to date Tom Hiddleston or Zac Efron. I'm sorry it ended, but I'm not sorry that it happened.

Welcome to the Baggage Claim: There be foul language up ahead. But I edited it because I'm nice like that.

Will you wait for me at the baggage claim?
Will you help me sort through luggage and the pain?
The contents are black and heavy
I'm afraid to look inside, afraid the break the levee.

Oh, the proverbial baggage. I've got a sh*t ton, y'all. Enough to fill up the JAX airport. I'm trying not to let it weigh me down, but it's heavy. My back aches from dragging it around. I try not to think about it. I shoved it into the corner of my bedroom, and there it sits, like the fat, pink elephant in the room. The giant thing taking up so much space, but we don't speak about it.

When I love you, I trust you. Completely. My trust became a joke, something to be used. I don't trust now. I am wobbly and unsure, and pretty certain that everyone, even the pope, is a liar. I used to see the best in people only. Now the cracks and fissures consume. It's hard to see the good, the potential. All I can see is the future when he'll change his mind, when all he can see are my cracks and fissures, the ugliest parts of me. It'll end because everything does. Even the brightest star explodes into nothingness. And the darkness stays, and stays, and stays.

I keep seeing this quote that goes a little something like this, "Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack your baggage." Here's my problem with it. I don't like help, especially when I can do everything all by my own damn self, all the time. I am an independent woman, who don't need no man. I don't like the idea of a man being the reason I get over my crap. I want to get over the crap all on my own. It means more when you go it alone. It makes you stronger, braver. Or maybe more hardheaded, which is also the truth about me.

And maybe having baggage isn't a bad thing. When someone gives you up so easily, all you want is someone to give a crap. Someone to fight just the slightest bit. Maybe I do want someone to help me unpack. Complicated things are the things most worth working for. I am a mess. I am a tight ball of neurosis and fear. I have learned a valuable lesson from it all. Nothing is a guarantee. Not next week, not your tomorrow, not your next breath. I have learned that life is full of the unexpected. Life will screw you over. Love will make you cry, but the pain is worth it. The pain makes it real. So don't think about how much it could hurt. Think about how happy it will make you, if just for a little while. But sometimes I'm scared the baggage will crush me. The refining fires will burn me beyond recognition, and I will fade. I don't want to fade. I want to burn brighter than the sun.

Who will stand with me in the stormy baggage claim? Who will see me through the hurricane and help me unbury the life I want? And who will be there when I finally get there, when I'm at my best, when I am everything I've ever wanted?

If I were you, I'd get in on the ground floor because pretty soon this girl is going to meet Tom Hiddleston or Zac Efron, and let's face it, once we met, we're as good as married.