A bicycle, a man, and a fish: I've Made a Terrible Mistake.

 

There is something you must understand about me. I am a feminist. This does not mean I have hairy armpits or hate men. Oh, contraire, mon frère. My armpits are smooth and I like men. I love them. Their biceps and brawn and brains. Yes, please! Feminism is simply the belief that I can do anything a man can do (maybe even better). I can run a household. I can work. I can change a tire. I can rule the world. Feminism is simply the idea that women deserve equal rights. Nothing more. That's it. Do you have a mother, a sister, an aunt, a granny, a cousin? Do you think they deserve the same inalienable rights as every other human being on the planet? You're a feminist, too.

I talk about feminism because I don't believe I need a man. Sure, a bike would be great. It could be fun. But I can swim just fine without one. There's this quote I keep seeing around Pinterest. "One day, someone will hold you tight enough to put all your broken pieces back into place." This sounds lovely, doesn't it? Some day, he will come along on his white steed and rescue me from myself. Nope. I saved myself, thank you very much.

The guys online seem so phony. All I get is stuff like, 'Hey, beautiful. Great picks.' This is a line. This doesn't mean anything to me. Don't you sweet talk me because the devil can talk pretty, too. If you want me to talk back, say something intelligent. Try. As you know, I have very specific tastes, so I did a search on my online dating site and one guy showed up in the entire Jacksonville area. One guy! You might think I'm closing myself off by being picky, but I know what I want. I know what I like. I know who I am. Opinions and sarcasm scare most guys. I need a man who finds self-confidence and passion and strength attractive. It's okay for women to be strong, because they already are. In today's world, I don't think he exists. This is why I wrote him into a book. (Read all about Abram once my book is finished and published.)

So I'm shutting it down. I deactivated my account. I can't do it. I don't need a man to make me feel pretty, or worthy, or loved. I have the power to give myself all those things. I decide how I feel about myself. I am a friggin' catch, and I don't need a man to tell me that.

I would like a guy friend, but I don't know how to go about it. Is there an opposite-sex-friendship website out there? So many of the people I went to high school and college with are married now, so they're out, and I do have single friends, but what do I say? "Hey, I'm in the market for a platonic friendship. Do you want to hang out sometime? No pressure. I promise I don't want to date you." Then I feel like I'll offend them when I tell them I don't want to date them. It's such a fine line with male and female friendship. I would never close off the possibility of something more, but I don't want the guy to think I want to marry him and make him my boys' daddy. I just want to swear in a normal conversation and not worry about offending anyone. I want to get dirty and sweaty while hiking in the woods. I want to talk about comic lore. I want a boy friend.

But don't you dare forget that I don't need one. I'm the best friend a girl could have.