The Danger in Hoping

 

Hope? Nope. Grumpy cat is my spirit animal.

There is danger in hoping you might just get what you prayed for. With hope comes disappointment. Life is getting better, but I want to know when it'll stop. I'm wearing my poncho and rain boots, but the shit storm keeps coming. It feels like I'm ankle-deep and the downpour will never let up. I need something amazing to happen because my hope is fading. I need some rainbows and unicorns. I need a day at the beach, where I look amazing in a bathing suit. I need a delicious, calorie-free cake. I really need a phone call from Tom Hiddleston. He'll quote poetry and tell me everything will be okay, darling.

All my life, I've done the right thing. I go to church. I say my prayers. I don't drink coffee, even when I really, really want to. I'm nice to my fellow man. I help old ladies and sick dogs. I exercise four days a week and eat five servings of fruits and veggies. I don't cheat or lie or steal. Okay, sometimes at McDonalds, I refill my water cup up with Coke, but that's the extent of my larceny. And yet my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. Compared to a lot of other people, I haven't had it hard, but that doesn't mean the last few years have been easy. I feel like I'm never going to get what I want or need. I'm never going get my book published. I'm never going to have someone love me so much that all the broken pieces will mend back together. I'm never going to succeed. I'm going to stay stuck in the doldrums forever.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in God. It would be easier to think there is no one looking out for me, no one to help, no one to pray to. But I have no doubt God exists. He's been here with through it all, guiding me, putting kind people in my path, whispering be still and believe. I know He is listening, even when He doesn't answer right away or in the way we want.

It's faith and hope, that helps us keep going, even when we are stumbling round in the darkness. The sun has to rise again. I know it's up there, hidden behind the clouds. I keep repeating to myself, "Ye must press forward, having a perfect brightness of hope." (2 Nephi 31:20). I'm pressing forward, y'all. I'm not giving up, even though I want to. Not having hope is worse because there is nothing to look forward to. At least I still believe everything I want is waiting, just around the bend. I have to believe that my new life and my future successes will be so bright that I will need to wear shades.