You're Not a Sad Story

Sorry for being such a downer lately. I want to be a badass who Buffy Summers would be proud of, but some days, I just can't.

I don't want you to think I'm sad because I miss my ex-husband. I don't miss him. Not even a little bit. Not at all. Maybe it's because I never loved him like I should. I'll own up to that. In typical Mormon fashion, we married fast. I got swept up in everything. He told me that he loved me within five days. I should have seen that as a warning sign. It was too much, too soon. I knew that, but no one had ever told me that they loved me before. And it felt good to be loved more. I did love him. Don't get me wrong. I love everyone. It's my downfall, loving people even when they don't deserve it. Also in good Mormon fashion, I was trying to make the best of my decision. Marriage is forever and I tried and tried, but he gave up on us one day. He started seeing someone behind my back, so letting him go was easy. I'm not sad because I don't have him. I'm relieved he's not weighing down anymore. I'm sad that he doesn't call his boys. I'm sad that my life has been ripped out from under me. I'm sad that I couldn't save the marriage. I'm sad that he chose someone else over me.

I'm concentrating too much on what I don't have, instead of what I do. I have been given the gift of writing, and I have been able to make a career out of it. I have a book with publishers. I have an awesome agent who believes in me. I have first-readers (Erin, Jenny, Hope, Holly, Natalie, Melanie, and Christine, just to name a few!) who continue to cheer me on and never let me give up hope. My book will be on the bookstore shelves within the next year or so. I'll get that first royalty check soon. My dream is coming true. All my hard work, and tears, and blood (Yes, writing is a bloody sport.) are about to pay off.

I have the most beautiful boys in the world. They are smart, kind, a bit wild, and they are mine. I get the privilege of raising them to be men. I get to teach them all about superheroes and the power of God and how to dance. They are my little men and I couldn't be prouder to be their mother.

I have a supportive family and friends, who without I wouldn't have been able to leave. My mom and dad watch the boys when I work. My sister lets me live with her and makes me laugh so hard I almost die. My niece helps me remember what it's like to have a whole, beautiful life ahead of you. My cousins obsess over fictional characters with me. My high school friends have reminded me that relationships formed in childhood never leave us.

I get a do-over. I get to decide what makes me smile. I get to live the way I choose. I get the opportunity to met someone else and to love them as equally as they love me. I get to make better decisions. I get the chance to be out of a controlling relationship. I get a chance to be truly happy for the first time in years. It won't be easy, but I'll figure it out and I will thrive.