My agent told me to calm down, take a break, read a book, and relax. Being rejected isn't the end of the world. (Just think how it's toughening me up for when I start dating. I get to be rejected all over again, for many more reasons!) There are more publishers. Books don't expire. And I will get published. It just takes more time than I like.
I thought since I've been through so much crap the last few months that I was owed something amazing. The truth is that I'm not owed anything, not by God, or the universe, or karma. There is no perfect balance. You don't get a reward every time you do something good. You get what you get, and you decide to make the best or the worst out of it. Life isn't based on an equal amount of good and bad. Sometimes it's uneven. Sometimes we're more in the dark than we are in the light. Sometimes you're living in an eclipse. My faith might be floundering, but it's still there. It's so imbedded in me that I can't shake it. I'm still mad at God and yet I can't deny Him. Yep, I said it, I'm mad at God. And, yes, that's me ducking under my desk, a little scared I might get struck by lightening. I know I should say something like, "Everything happens for a reason." or "Or sometimes things fall apart for better things can fall into place." But I don't want to. I want to curse the cosmos for a little while.
I thought this whole divorce and the years of pain and unhappiness before it were my trial of faith. I thought things would be clear sailing from here on out, but things will always be hard. Life will always suck a little bit. God tries those he loves the most. He must love me a heck of a lot. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I've received so many blessings. The Lord has answered my prayers in a lot of respects. My good outweighs my bad.
Maybe the publishers we sent the book to weren't the right ones. They wouldn't have given my book the attention it deserves. Maybe Tom Hiddleston will somehow get his hands on the manuscript and demand that it be made into a movie and demand that he stars in it as the evil Confederate president. Maybe none of it will ever happen, and that's okay, too. I am the mother of two wonderful boys. That is a great accomplishment in and of itself. If all I do in life is raise them to be good men, then my job is done.
But I really do want this book published.
you know what makes you (among many other qualities) so lovable, Lauren? YOU ARE REAL! your writings are so easy to relate to, and gives me, as i am sure everyone else who reads them, ease in knowing we are not alone in this world with these feelings that we have, but you have the courage to speak out loud. you're right, we DON'T get a prize every times we do what is right and are good people, and God doesn't owe us anything for being the people He says we should be. not in this life, at least. but we keep doing the right things because they are right, and that is who you are at heart. the woman with the beautiful heart who is fighting against some crappy things. but you will prevail courageous girl, you are so strong! like a female Braveheart, but without the scary face paintings :x love you so, and know i am here for you, along with so many others who love and support you during these times! <3 xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mara! I don't often feel like Braveheart, though I do love those face paintings.
Delete