Going Through the Big D, and I don't mean Dallas

           Divorce. It’s a word that stirs different of emotions for different people. For some, it is a taboo subject to be avoided. For some, it’s a sign of failure. For me, it is peace.

When I married in the temple ten years ago, I was so blinded by love and excitement that not even the thought of divorce existed in my mind. I was marrying a man who swore to love me for eternity. This is what most young LDS dream of, to partake in the sacred covenant of an eternal marriage. What could go wrong?

For years, nothing. I continued through school and graduated. We had a son, bought a house, and had another son. We were happy. We were best friends. We attended church, had FHE, and prayed together. We had everything we’d ever wanted.

Then one day, he started to withdraw. He stayed away from home as much as possible, saying he had to work late, or slept during most his days off. Then he stopped going to church, refused to give father’s blessing, and would no longer pray with us.

I knew something was wrong and begged him to let me help him, but he refused. I cried and I pleaded for him to come to church with us, to be a family, but, again, he declined. He withdrew further and further within himself. We were no longer his family, but his burden to bear. We tried to keep quiet and do everything he said, but we were never good enough. Trying to bring him out of it, I lost myself. I found no joy in daily life. I lost sight of the brightness of the future. My every thought was consumed with the realization that my husband no longer loved me.

I was in the deepest recesses of despaired, lost in sorrow and hopelessness, but Heavenly Father kept me afloat.  I prayed and prayed, but my husband had no change of heart. I continued to bring our young boys to church, an uneasy task when you are alone, but I was adamant that they would remain active. I held Family Home Evening on my own, all in hopes that if I continued to keep the commandments and be faithful that all my efforts could change my husband, bringing him back to the man he used to be.

But things only got worse. A part of me wanted to give up. I had done everything right, and still my world was falling apart. My husband was supposed to love me beyond all others, but he cast me aside. How could the Lord allow this to happen to my family? How could He let such evil take hold of my husband? How could He let lying, adultery, and deception into my marriage? I was mad, but then I realized that the Lord did not do this. It was my husband who allowed Satan into his heart.

We are often taught to keep our families together no matter what, to forgive and forgive again, but you cannot always mend things. For a while I thought I would be punished for my failed marriage, but then I realized I had done nothing wrong. Heavenly Father wanted to get me out of this horrible and heart breaking life. He loved me and saw how wrongly I had been treated. The Lord did not want me to suffer more than I can bare, so He provided me with a way out, a clear path to a new life.

          The moment I left my husband, I felt an immense sense of relief, a lifted weight, a hope I had forgotten existed. I was surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends at home. I received blessing, after blessing, and confirmation after confirmation that I had done the right thing for me and my children. The once good man, had twisted himself into a selfish, heartless person that I no longer recognized. I had the right to get away from him, the right to happiness.

Heavenly Father doesn’t want His daughters to be unhappy, abused, or held back. He wants us to be joyful, and to have the mortal existence and love that we deserve. While going through the turmoil that came before and during my divorce, I sough comfort in the scriptures, and my favorite passages comes from Doctrine and Covenants 58:4, “For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.” I have already received so many blessings, and I know that there are so many more to follow.