The Woe Is Me Stage

There are stages of loss and grief. I've gone through them all: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I spent a lot of time in the rage category, and I've even accepted reality, but now I feel like I'm still a little stuck in the depression stage. Not that I'm depressed. Things are still good and I am happy, but I am also sad. My marriage was murdered while its back was turned. I lost something that I thought I would have for eternity. I'd been unhappy for years, but I would have stayed forever because that's what love is to me, staying and trying even when it was hard. But that option was taken from me, and a part of me is glad. Working on a marriage that one spouse has checked out of is like trying to give a zombie CPR. It's going to get messy and you'll probably get your brains chomped off.

I know I'm young and, hell, I'm not ready to date yet anyway, but I feel like I'm going to be alone for forever. All I can think is, who is going to want me now? Who is going to want a thirty-something unpublished author with an unorganized life, stretch marks, cellulite, and severe trust issues? I know I have my boys. I don't need anyone else. They are the most amazing, life-assuring things in the world, but they have to love me. They are genetically inclined. No matter what I did, I couldn't keep their father with me. Well, that's kind of a lie. He wanted me back. He begged and pleaded, but I knew what would happen if I stayed. I won't stand for being someone's second choice. I refuse to be lied to and cheated on. But if I couldn't keep that idiot happy, what are my chances of finding someone else?

Up until my marriage, I had only one real relationship and that lasted a whole month before he broke up with me. Before that, I'd dated, and I'd kissed a lot of boys. I had a lot of fun in college, but no one wanted to be me to be their girlfriend. Is it because marrying Tom Hiddleston is my destiny? Is my beauty too much for some men? Am I just too awesome to handle? I'm going with that because it's the only explanation that keeps me from crying.

Since I was little, I had about forty guy friends, and one girl best friend. I don't have a problem with getting friends. It's romantic relationships that have evaded me. I've always sought the company of men (not in a prostitute sort of way) because I understand guys a lot more than I do women. I like their practicality and honesty. I like the way they usually don't care for material possession and love the outdoors. I like that they are dirty and loud. I'm excited to have male friends again, because I gave them all up when I got married. So screw dating. I just want a friend.  Hopefully there are still a few unmarried men out there who would like to hang out with a Mormon girl who likes to swear, whose purse is full of Legos and ketchup packets, who drinks too much Diet Coke, and who watches an occasional R rated movie. . .